Security Advisory
March 24, 2026
#010
Security Advisory: Alleged Black Market Operations Across International Boundary Conducted by Asset “Louis Vuitton”. A Name That Raises Additional Questions.
An independent contractor operating under the name Louis Vuitton has been crossing the Canada–United States border daily. Both directions. No pawsport. No declarations. Advisory status: open.
Press Release
March 14, 2026
#009
Official Hiss No. 3: Escalating Energy Costs Impacting Domestic Zoomie Efficiency
The executive board has concluded a 6-hour nap-session regarding the rising costs of logistical transit. Effective immediately, all high-speed pursuits are subject to a Kibble Surcharge.
Official Statement
March 12, 2026
#008
ihazpaws Opens Formal Inquiry Into Troop Posture Reversal Following Third-Party Asset Deployment
A high-blast-radius emotional support asset was deployed with no vendor agreement, no exit strategy, and no containment plan. The inquiry is open. Djungelskog refused to comment.
Official Statement
March 3, 2026
#007
Official Statement: Unsanctioned Canine Perimeter Breach, Milano Cortina Winter Olympics
ihazpaws has reviewed the footage from the Milano Cortina alpine ski course incident. The board met. The dog has been put on notice.
Press Release
March 2, 2026
#006
Official Hiss Regarding Permanent Chronological Stagnation
The executive board of ihazpaws has reviewed the recent legislation regarding the cessation of seasonal time-shifting. A Level 4 Hiss has been issued.
Security Advisory
February 26, 2026
#005
Security Advisory: Critical Vulnerability Identified in Global Tuna Supply Chain
Mittens has identified a critical misallocation event affecting one 276kg bluefin tuna. The tuna is in hooman hands. This is the breach.
Security Advisory
February 18, 2025
#004
Security Advisory: ihazpaws User Credentials Not Included in Recent Breach Affecting 200 Million Accounts
ihazpaws confirms no user credentials were compromised, as we do not store passwords in any format currently recognized by attackers.
Service Update
January 30, 2025
#003
Service Update: Intermittent Outage Traced to Captain Floof. Investigation Closed.
A 4-hour production outage affecting all ihazpaws services has been resolved. Root cause identified. Root cause has been fed.
Press Release
January 10, 2025
#002
ihazpaws Announces Record Q4 Nap Metrics, Reaffirms Commitment to Pushing Fluff
ihazpaws closes Q4 with 94.7% average nappiness across the team, exceeding targets by 12 percentage points. Vision remains mostly blurry and monochrome.
Official Statement
December 5, 2024
#001
Official Statement Regarding Allegations That ihazpaws "Is Not a Real Company"
ihazpaws acknowledges the ongoing discourse and wishes to clarify its position with full corporate seriousness.