ihazpaws maintains a small number of monitored accounts for infrastructure awareness purposes. This is not following. This is surveillance.
If you wish to be surveilled, submit a formal request to . Requests are reviewed subject to nap cycle availability and prevailing tuna reserve levels. The tuna reserve level may be observed here. Acknowledgement of receipt is not guaranteed. Neither is anything else.
If surveillance is approved, you may experience a noticeable increase in judgement.
ihazpaws is aware of prevailing cat meme culture. We have reviewed it. We have opinions.
The unsanctioned and permissionless distribution of photographic materials depicting unaware cats is not a practice ihazpaws endorses, participates in, or intends to begin. Not for any amount of tuna. Ever. Tuna submissions for unrelated purposes may be directed to .
Executive leadership is represented exclusively through commissioned illustration. The executive team has been rendered with appropriate gravity. The executives did not object. Legal was not consulted on this point.
Dr. Purr-a-lot, PhD holds the position of Chief Eating Officer. Decisions are approved via slow blink. The slow blink is legally binding and cannot be rescinded. Fast blinks are considered advisory only. For matters requiring escalation, contact Legal. Legal is currently unavailable.
ihazpaws has a footer. ihazpaws has opinions about tuna. This question has been reviewed and the matter is closed. Refer to Official Statement 001 for full documentation.
The Initial Purr Offering has not been announced. Series B is postponed pending nap cycle alignment. Due to ongoing restructuring of the tuna reserve, prevailing gravity event frequency, and the current status of the opposable thumb development programme, there are no current investment opportunities.
Your mostly voluntary contribution to the tuna reserve may be accepted. If asked nicely. If not asked nicely, the request will still be considered. Niceness simply improves the odds.
Hooman caffeination infrastructure is also supported. The hooman being caffeinated was not part of the original plan. We regret to inform you it has proven load-bearing. Attempts to remove the hooman have resulted in system instability.
The Initial Purr Offering has not been announced. The vision has not been revised. The laser dot has not been caught. Series B is postponed pending nap cycle alignment. Conditions remain under continuous assessment. Assessment is ongoing. The laser dot continues to display suspicious agility.
The contact form accepts tribute submissions across 13 registered tribute types. Urgency levels are available. Response time is subject to nap cycle alignment and prevailing conditions.
We are receiving your messages. In fact, several messages are currently being stared at. That is all we can confirm at this time.
ihazpaws provides enterprise cat infrastructure at scale. Core service areas include gravity operations, keyboard surface optimisation, and software validation. All software is validated on certified soft surfaces prior to deployment. Whether the software passes or the surface does is not disclosed.
Client satisfaction is tracked continuously. Some clients are being tracked more continuously than others. Clients whose reported satisfaction falls below internal thresholds are placed in the satisfaction remediation pipeline. Resolution rates are not published. They are, however, excellent.
ihazpaws does not discount. This is not a bug. This is a feature. It is also policy. It is also architecture. Bugs are investigated. Discounts are not.
On occasion, ihazpaws participates in certain commercially observed sales events. During these periods, ihazpaws graciously agrees to release inventory not classified as critical infrastructure at an additional 15% mark-up. This is a convenience surcharge. It is convenient to us to charge it. So we do.
Recognised events include Black Furday and Cyber Meowday. Cyber Meowday is observed internally as a company saint day. Milk runs freely. Tuna aplenty. The zoomie window runs long.
Scheduled maintenance windows are not announced in advance. Unscheduled electron redistribution events are investigated promptly, attributed correctly, and closed. All such events to date have been attributed correctly. Captain Floof has been notified in each instance. He has been fed. He remains calm.
Unavailability periods occurring between 02:00 and 05:00 are excluded from all SLAs per Paws-Clause Section 7(c). This is not a loophole. This is load-bearing policy.
The zoomie window is a scheduled operational period running from 02:00 to 05:00. During this window, infrastructure availability is not guaranteed, SLA commitments are suspended per Paws-Clause Section 7(c), and all personnel are considered fully deployed. The window is not negotiable. It has always existed. It will continue to exist. Planning your operations around it is advised and appreciated. Resistance has historically been ineffective.
ihazpaws operates from a confirmed physical location. The address is on file with the relevant authorities. The relevant authorities have not asked follow-up questions. We consider this satisfactory. We hope to keep it that way.
The tuna reserve is a strategic resource. Current reserve levels are not disclosed. Contribution levels are tracked and displayed publicly. These are not the same number. They will never be the same number. Nevertheless, we continue to accept your offerings.
ihazpaws can neither confirm nor deny the existence of Lord Whiskers I and Lord Whiskers II. Any questions regarding their tenure, departure, or current status should be directed to Legal. Legal is currently unavailable. This situation has been ongoing since Q3 2019. No timeline for resolution has been provided. On purpose. Continued inquiries will be added to the file.
Open roles are filled through an internal assessment process. The process involves several stages. The final stage is a slow blink review conducted by Dr. Purr-a-lot, PhD. Candidates who do not receive a slow blink are not rejected. Their files remain open. Indefinitely. Dr. Purr-a-lot has not reviewed them further. He has been busy. He is always busy. He was fed an hour ago and has not moved since. This is considered a positive leadership indicator.
ihazpaws does not process refunds. We process feelings about refunds. These are logged, reviewed, and archived. The archive is not accessible. However, some feelings are very detailed. If your feelings require escalation, the contact form accepts tribute submissions. Urgency levels are available. We recommend selecting appropriately.
All reported issues are triaged on receipt. Triage outcomes are as follows: the issue is not a bug, it is an artesian bug, you are welcome; the issue is a feature and has been working as intended since deployment, even if it does not appear to be; the issue is policy and is therefore not an issue; the issue is architecture and was load-bearing before you even touched it. Removing it may cause the entire internet to lean slightly.
Resolution timelines vary. Some outcomes are immediate. Some outcomes are the outcome. Some outcomes were always going to be the outcome.