FAQ

ihazpaws provides enterprise cat infrastructure at scale. Core services include Keyboard Walking, Deep Nap Research and Feature Pushing.

Client satisfaction is tracked continuously. Some clients are being tracked more continuously than others. Clients reporting satisfaction below internal thresholds enter the satisfaction remediation pipeline. Resolution rates are not published. They are, however, excellent.

ihazpaws has a footer. ihazpaws has opinions about tuna. This question has been reviewed and the matter is closed. Refer to Official Statement 001 for full documentation.

Dr. Purr-a-lot, PhD holds the position of Chief Eating Officer. Decisions are approved via slow blink. The slow blink is legally binding and cannot be rescinded. Fast blinks are considered advisory only. For matters requiring escalation, contact Legal. Legal is currently unavailable.

ihazpaws operates from a confirmed physical location. The address is on file with the relevant authorities. The relevant authorities have not asked follow-up questions. We consider this satisfactory. We hope to keep it that way.

ihazpaws is aware of prevailing cat meme culture. We have reviewed it. We have opinions.

ihazpaws does not endorse, participate in or intend to begin the unsanctioned distribution of photographs depicting unaware cats. Not for any amount of tuna. Ever. Tuna submissions for unrelated purposes may be directed to meow@ihazpaws.dev.

Executive leadership is represented exclusively through commissioned illustration. The executive team has been rendered with appropriate gravity. The executives did not object. Legal was not consulted on this point.

The contact form accepts tribute submissions. Urgency levels are available. Response time is subject to nap cycle alignment.

We are receiving your messages. Several are currently being stared at. That is all we can confirm at this time.

Use the contact form. All reported issues are triaged on receipt and classified as interactive toys, artesian features or load-bearing architecture. Removing the latter may cause the entire internet to lean slightly.

Resolution timelines vary. Some outcomes are immediate. Some outcomes were always going to be the outcome.

Service interruptions are treated as electron redistribution events. They are investigated promptly, attributed correctly and closed. All events to date have been attributed correctly. Captain Floof has been notified in each instance. He has been fed. He remains calm.

Unavailability periods occurring between 02:00 and 05:00 local time are excluded from all SLAs per Paws-Clause Section 7(c). This is not a loophole. This is load-bearing policy.

The zoomie window is a scheduled operational period running from 02:00 to 05:00. During this window, infrastructure availability is not guaranteed, SLA commitments are suspended per Paws-Clause Section 7(c), and all personnel are considered fully deployed. The window is not negotiable. It has always existed. It will continue to exist. Planning your operations around it is advised and appreciated. Resistance has historically been ineffective.

Refunds are processed on a first-nap, first-served basis. Feelings about refunds are logged, reviewed and archived. The archive is not accessible. Some feelings are very detailed.

If your feelings require escalation, the contact form accepts tribute submissions. Urgency levels are available. We recommend selecting appropriately.

The tuna reserve is a strategic resource. Current reserve levels are not disclosed. Contributions and reserves are not the same number. They will never be the same number. Nevertheless, we continue to accept your offerings.

There are no current investment opportunities due to tuna reserve restructuring, prevailing gravity event frequency and the status of the opposable thumb development programme.

Your mostly voluntary contribution to the tuna reserve may be accepted. If asked nicely. If not asked nicely, the request will still be considered. Niceness simply improves the odds.

Hooman caffeination infrastructure is also supported. The hooman was not part of the original plan. We regret to inform you it has proven load-bearing. Attempts to remove the hooman have resulted in system instability.

The Initial Purr Offering has not been announced. The vision has not been revised. The laser dot has not been caught. Series B is postponed pending nap cycle alignment. Conditions remain under continuous assessment. Assessment is ongoing. The laser dot continues to display suspicious agility.

ihazpaws monitors a small number of accounts for infrastructure awareness. This is not following. This is surveillance.

If you wish to be surveilled, submit a formal request to meow@ihazpaws.dev. Requests are reviewed subject to nap cycle availability and prevailing tuna reserve levels. Acknowledgement of receipt is not guaranteed. Neither is anything else.

If surveillance is approved, you may experience a noticeable increase in judgement.