We Can't Code.
We Have Paws.
Full-spectrum software consultancy. Nap-driven development. Tuna-adjusted pricing. Victoria, BC. Est. 2019.
What We Offer
Chaos-as-a-Service™
Enterprise-grade mayhem, delivered with a slow blink of confidence.
Keyboard Walking
Our developers physically traverse the keyboard, generating production code through the ancient feline art of sit-and-step. Output is 100% organic and randomized.
Deep Nap Research
16-hour development cycles conducted entirely in premium sunbeams. R&D happens subconsciously. Results may include dream-driven architecture diagrams drawn in claw marks.
Feature Pushing
We deploy by physically pushing servers off desks. Gravity does the rest. Zero CI/CD pipeline. Maximum drama. Unmatched commitment.
Distraction-Driven Dev
A bird appears outside the window. Work stops. Sometimes the bird becomes the product. Sometimes it doesn't. This is agile.
Dependency Tangling
We unravel your tech stack and re-tangle it into something truly incomprehensible. Like yarn, but worse. Like node_modules, but alive.
Zero-Day Discovery
Mittens hisses at all pull requests indiscriminately. This catches approximately 0% of vulnerabilities but feels very secure.
Client Onboarding Guide
How It Works
Our streamlined four-step process. Please do not deviate.
Sacrifice the Salmon
High-quality salmon must be delivered to HQ before project kickoff. Atlantic preferred. No frozen. This is non-negotiable and constitutes a legally binding contract.
Open the Can
All project communication is conducted by opening a can of food loudly in the kitchen. Urgent tickets require the electric can opener. Slack is also fine.
Accept the Deliverables
Your deliverables will arrive as disjointed paw prints across your monitor. Do not attempt to interpret or fix. This is the output. Frame it.
The Slow Blink
A slow blink from any team member constitutes a successful deployment. If you receive a head bump, your project is in production. Congratulations.
Client Testimonials
Don't Take Our Word For It
The world's most transparent reviews of the world's least functional agency.
What Our Victims, err, Clients Say
The Fine Print
(We Ate It. Sorry.)
Bugs are considered interactive toys, not errors. By engaging ihazpaws, you acknowledge that all bugs are features with better names.
ihazpaws offers no guarantee of compilation, execution, or meaningful output. “aaaaaaaaaaaaa” is a valid return value and shall not be grounds for dispute.
Final deliverables may contain random strings, bird photos, or a single paw print. These are considered creative assets and are billed at premium rates accordingly.
Our 99.9% uptime refers to uptime of the team's nap schedule, not your application. These are different things and we appreciate your understanding.
We define “satisfied” as “still alive and not blaming the cats.” Our satisfaction rate is 100%. Our definition of satisfied is proprietary and non-negotiable. Dissatisfied clients are reclassified as satisfied clients pending a hiss review.
Refunds are processed on a first-nap, first-served basis. Average processing time: 2 to 47 business naps. Salmon-based payments are non-refundable once consumed, which is immediately and always.
Get in Touch
Ready to Embrace Chaos?
Fill out the form below. We'll get back to you after our nap. Maybe.